the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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