Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
