it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
