So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
