I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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