i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
