she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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