The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
