Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
