the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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