Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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