Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
