she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
