I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
