Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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