At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
