We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
