He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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