I've blown a few things in my day
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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