I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
