There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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