i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
