Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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