i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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