omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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