saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
