Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
