I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
