I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
