party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
