Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
