captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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