Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
