listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
