if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
