Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
