Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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