Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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