The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
