Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Randomize
