Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She made me pour olive oil on her.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
