you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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