sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
