My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
