I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So much Jack, so little girl.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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