genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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