I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
