You can't motorboat a personality
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
