ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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