I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
from now on my penis is your penis
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
